Yesterday I went with FD and my in-laws to our niece's gymnastics recital. It was there that I had those flashes of wanting kids.
Seeing five-year-old E swinging from the bars, dipping on the beam, and tumbling made me SO proud of her! Clearly, she was one of the most athletic girls there who truly loved gymnastics. She was smiling and waving at her mom (and us sometimes) and focusing on doing just right on her routine. She was so fabulous I thought to myself, "FD and I could make a great kid like this! I know we would love our kid and support him/her and be really proud parents." T was smiling even more than E; clearly, being a parent is totally cool and very joyful.
I just still know I'm not ready yet. I want to spend more alone with FD. I have a few "things" I want to accomplish before I devote my time and energy to a family. I am a fantastic multi-tasker but not that great of one! I just wonder if being an artist and mom right now is something I could handle. I feel selfish over it, but when I think about the responsibility of a child sometimes and I feel a tightening in the chest. That feeling alone tells me I'm not ready yet. And maybe I'll never be ready, but I have a feeling at some time I'll be more ready that I am right now. I know I do have a motherly instinct. Right now, I just really like being a cool aunt. It's good stuff. It means I can play and go to recitals and cheer on my nieces and nephews at their games, but I can come home and watch TV in complete silence and only have M&Ms for dinner, if I so choose.
Such as, last night. S and I watched AI while the guys were still fishing. We both nodded off during the dull parts of the ONE HOUR AND FIFTY EIGHT MINUTES of boredom. Then we had a hearty celebration over Jordin's winning! It was good times! I still don't understand where all the cool celebs who could be there for Idol Gives Back were. The celebs in the audience were nobodies! And the Beatles tribute was too much. Rubuen singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"!--he looked like he was on LSD! It was silliness! Green Day sucked. Since when did they sell out enough to be on AI?! I know they sold out long ago, but c'mon! I remember listening to them back in the day when they sang songs about masterbation. Geeez! And the whole time I kept wondering, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ON LOST??????" Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled my in-laws are hip enough to watch AI and vote! Seriously, that is totally rad! But we know what a LOST freak I am. And I didn't hide it last night. After AI I wanted to watch the last hour of LOST. FD, back from fishing, said, "NO! It's a disservice to come in an hour late. The whole show will be ruined! We have Tivo. Chill. Will watch when we get home." He's so practical and calm. I wish I was. You have no idea how badly I'm holding myself back from checking the LOST wiki RIGHT NOW and seeing what happened.
I was emailing Stokes about my LOST frustration and when I realized something and said it to her: I'm having a sincerly wonderful time here at my in-laws. Isn't it sick that a TV program can make me so crazy?!? It's just TV. Even if Tina the Tivo didn't get the whole episode, we can watch it on ABC's website, we can buy it from iTunes, we can watch the re-run, we can buy the season when it comes out. TV should not run our lives! I really need help! Is there a TV AA?