Farwell, my dear friend, Time.*

I like to think I have a sunny disposition. That I'm happy, warm, lovable.

That I spread my joy to all who know me.

Until this week. (Don't worry, next week I'll be fine.)

This week, though, is my last week of summer. And today is the only day that is going to be totally mine. Therefore, I must make it count. I will cross off these six things on my to-do list today: swim, finish reading Rachel Zucker's The Bad Wife Handbook, finish the first draft of a new chapbook, dry the Blue Basil leaves I have no idea what to do with, wrap FD's bday presents while snacking on cheddar cheese and NutThins or raw baby carrots (I'm not much of snacker but I LOVE cheese, to put it mildly), oh, yeah, and complete this blog tag** from Stokes.

Easy enough.

10 years ago I was entering my 4th year of undergrad, just taking filler classes like yoga and ice skating because I finished all my major classes in 3 years and I was going to the gay bars to dance my off ass because I didn't want to be worried with being assaulted by drunken frat boys and I was discovering the world of poetry. It's funny to think today I'm the teacher, preparing for the first-year writing students, who dances around my house while dusting, a Swiffer as my imaginary microphone, and who knows full-well that the world of poetry isn't all that magical.

It's this last week of summer, though, that makes me wish I was a billionaire. That I could teach a few classes here and there when I felt like it. And set up a pretty fat retirement plan for me and FD as well as for both of our families too. And build my prefab dream house with a guest house and two detached offices (one for me and one for FD) all with the arty, expensive appliances and furniture I see in Dwell each month. And give money to worthwhile foundations like Alicia's Voice. And travel to cool places like Japan and India. And do yoga whenever and whereever I want. And hire a cleaning staff, a chef, and, because if I was rich why not have kids and hire a few nannies. Finally, of course, I would be a shareholder of The Grey Colt and wear extra fabulous clothes all the time.

Yeah, that'd be the life. But then if I was billionaire, would I really appreciate the days when I cleaned residential construction sites, sweeping wood and dust into piles and shop vacuuming it all up? Or when I cleaned model homes, how I adored making perfect vacuum lines in the never-used carpets? Or when I worked for a cleaning service and scrubbed the settled cigarette smoke off cheap vinyl floors in some office that could totally be in a 70s sit-com, even though clearly we were in the 90s? (God, no wonder I'm a clean freak!) Or when I managed Hons' clothing resale shop & every Thursday Stokes & I would go to Applebees for dinner & drinks b/c she got a discount there. Or how about when I was the women's clothing department manager at Off Fifth & I went into debt buying hoity toity designer clothes. (No wonder I'm a label whore!) Or my days struggling as a TA, trying to figure out what kind of poet/teacher/woman/person I wanted to be until I finally figured out & became the poet/teacher/woman/person I always wanted to be.

Really would all that be lost if I became a billionaire? How would my values change? Or how would I teach my children values, that is if I decided to have kids?

Maybe it's simpler knowing I start teaching again next Monday and life will regain it's schedule, a schedule that I know & have come to love.

That doesn't mean I won't dream of living on Captiva Island, FL; or in Portland, OR; or Martha's Vineyard; Napa Valley; Boulder, CO; Ireland; Scotland; or even just plain ol' Clevelend, OH.

I guess as much as I don't want to, I need to look on the sunny side of this summer, the good times had, the time that I wasted doing God-knows-what.

Last week of summer, please treat me well. Be kind to me. Help me accomplish my to-do list in the best of moods. And help me smile when I wake up in the morning of the 25th, ready for school to begin again.

*Said in a unbearably tight hug that turns into a sloppy sob fest 08.
**I tag SEM, Chop, & C.L. Jones.

The Last of It

It all began with the shoes.

The desire to see each pair without opening the box. (Thank you countless fashionistas in NYC & Martha Stewart.)

Campers are precious shoes that deserve full exposure.

Now the masterpiece is almost complete. Closet domination!

After going to bed I realized I hadn't taken pics of my favorite accessories. And I realized I hadn't showered.

This morning I took those pics & will be adding the accessory photos with stories to the closet binder very shortly. After taking a shower.

(Side note: Walgreens online photo center is the BOMB. Easy to upload photos & easy to pick them up at your local store after receiving the photos-are-ready email.)

Looking at this first pic my closet looks like a mess. But it's small & cramped. (One day my dream of California Closets will come true!) For now, I promise you, dear reader, it is well-organized & exceptionally neat.

For the shoes that are boxless, such as my Orla Kiely wellies and Coleman hiking boots, I hung their pics on the top shelf as reminders.

The only things I would do differently are write stories on the back of the shoe photos, take photos of every t-shirt and tank, take photos of my winter sweaters too (which I can do during winter break...), and print doubles of shoes so one set can go in binder (which I can do during winter break too).

I was thinking this little project is perfect for organization & outfit preparation, but on a morbid note, it's good for insurance purposes & casket attire too. (If that sounds weird to you, clearly you don't know how weird I am.)

From Tuesday night to Thursday morning. Not bad. For pics with stories, outfit suggestions, and level of love codes.

According to my closet, the most loved designers are Orla Kiely, Johnny Was, Lilly Pulitzer, Free People, Boden, and Gap Demin.

The best deals were $188 Blue Cult jeans for $19.99; $130 Campers for $25; and countless of designer (Juicy Couture, Lilly Pulitzer, etc.) finds by Hons at the resale shops in Ft. Myers, FL.

I'm serious about hiring myself out as an organizer. If you're interested leave a comment with your email & we'll discuss.

I just might have a new calling in life.

But before I answer that calling I need a shower & a great summer outfit.

Oh NO She Didn't...!!!

28 hours later. I'm done.

Booya! I am motivated after all.

After 3 hours of taking pictures of my wardrobe.

4 hours after uploading pics to Walgreens, petting Bleu in between uploads (approximately 20 minutes for each 12 pic set of 136 pics).

2 1/2 hours waiting for Walgreens to call on my order.

4 1/2 put together time. (Well, calculate in 45 mins of Project Runway [We have the original DVR TIVO]. Thank God for Tim Gunn giving me a break while firing me up!)

AT 12:30, here I type, should-be-drunk-on-wine-but-exhausted-and-accomplished-yet-still- looking-for-some-pics-that-seem-to-be -missing.

Each pic in the binder contains the buttons & tags as well as the story behind the garment.

If only I was this motivated & OCD about my writing. Maybe one day...Maybe...

However, b/c I'm a label & money whore I'd be willing to this for your closet at a fair price. Fair being a very subjective word depending on your warobe & care of it...

RAD

And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Com-pa-ny products are now on my Christmas list.

Yes, I start my Christmas list in July.

Cursed

Yes, I'm addicted to a pink whale, my pink pants, and a not-so-pink young adult series of novels about vampires.

Those are things that have been preoccupying me lately. A lot.

Well, those and Alicia's Voice.

And a little black lab puppy who likes to eat the plastic food/water dish in his kennel and poop and puke it out for 3 days straight. Good times.

Seriously, though, Bleu's been awesome lately; I'm really proud of how he's mellowing in his almost-ninth month. Maybe mellowing is too strong of a word, but you get my drift.

Now if only I could stop being addicted to vampire stories and clothes I can't afford. Oh, the joys of consumerism's curse!

The Busier You Are The Better You Sleep

With pulling together the Alicia's Voice Poetry Reading and Yoga Event as well as helping out our families, I totally forgot to pay homage to a little black dog & his 6 month bday!

My bad!

Here's Bleu in his birthday collar from The Black Dog.

I really wanted to get him a super preppy navy collar from Vineyard Vines, one of my new favs, (and I still want it!!! My bday is coming up!!! If you need any ideas: hint, hint!!!) but it only went to 15" & I wanted him to grow into it rather than having to buy him a new collar once he was full grown.

But I keep thinking every dog should have two collars--a fancy one and an every day one; just blame the label whore in me.

Anyways, today we went to the dog park in Bowling Green. It was fun.

I mean the park could use a good mowing and clean up. (Seriously if anyone out there wants to help me clean it up, let me know in the comments section!) However, it was a really neat park in terms of its space and agility equipment.

Of course BooBoo had to run through the tunnel 18 million times. Without treats!

That dog has no fear!

Then he tried new equipment with treats, which he seemed to like really well.

I was really proud of how well behaved he was while exploring and running around like a mad man.

The whole time, though, I was worried about him "getting hurt" or "eating poo" or whatever else moms worry about.

Thankfully, FD told me to relax, that I sounded like a mom on the first day of kindergarten and it wasn't necessary--that Bleu is a dog.

Sometimes I have a hard time remembering he's a dog and not my baby...Weird, I know, but until I have a baby he's my baby...
And he even communicates like a kid. We knew he was ready to go home when he kept laying down after walking a few steps.

My little angel...

He's really growing up and starting to learn how to behave himself...at times that is.




Thinking I need to blog every day now that summer is here. I going to try.

I'm Cuter Than Usual. Thanks, Lemon Cadet!

Jealous?




Get your Yeti on here!









Buy your own little bean here!











Thanks, Lemon Cadet, for the tees. I totally heart them.

I'm Dedicated

After much thought, I've come up with 5 realistic resolutions for 2008.

1.) Be a good doggy-mama. Tomorrow we pick up our boy Bleu, and our journey with him will be begin. Being that this is my first time being a doggy-mama, I'm excited and nervous. No matter what, though, I want to train him to be a fabulous dog, which is something I know I can do with much work and commitment.

2.) Be a better consumer. I LOVE shopping. Too much. This year I resolve to think before spending. First, I'm not going to purchase any brand-new clothes--only resale clothes, which will be easy considering I don't have any worthwhile resale shops around me. I really want to learn to recycle clothing (albeit still designer clothes only) more instead of buying something on a whim or buying something to "feel" better. Plus, I want to see how much of my clothes I really wear. Second, once the Farmers Markets open in the Spring, I'm going to really try to buy as many groceries from them rather than the grocery store. More and more I'm disgusted by the processed foods we eat, the high costs for the little value, and the unnatural cycle of consumerism when we simply could be supporting our local farms. I firmly believe by reevaluating what I spend money on, I can control the amount of "crap" in my life and faithfully practice the valuable lesson of "want not, need not."

3.) Limit eating out to ONE meal a week and save up for a meal at Revolver during each season. After reading the post about our New Year's Eve dinner, you can see why I would make this one of my resolutions.

4.) Drink 45 fl. oz. of water a day with the goal to strengthen my bladder, cleanse my system, and control my diet.

5.) Continue my daily and weekly class yoga practice.

These are do-able. Totally. And challenging. Totally.

Here we go 2008. I'm excited to see what this year has in store.

A Year In Review

I've always loved lists.

Especially lists that involve the word "Top."

Being as inspired as I am by E, VH1, and other "Top 2007" lists, I've decided I need my own.

Welcome to the first annual A Skirt Around The Issues Top 5 Blog Posts of 2007.

#5: "And So The Skeptic Begins Her Work." Seriously, how could my first blog post EVER not make the Top 5 list?!

#4: "So Totally Real It's Unreal." Meeting up with my childhood best friend was such an awesome experience of 2007--maybe the most awesome. The blog post for this reunion doesn't do it justice, but it's the thought that counts.

#3: "Something Nice to Say. (And Some Silence.)" Of all my blog posts of 2007, this one is the most important one to me because it really helped me rethink my writing life and forced me to start writing seriously again--nonetheless in a new genre, creative nonfiction. Bonus: it mentions Paris and her release from jail--one of the every lists "Top" moments of 2007.

#2: "Sea Bands Suck. (aka I Broke Up with Taco Bell (aka When Things Went Terribly Wrong (aka Beware: This Post Contains Gross Accounts of Vomit.)" I'm a sucker for any story that involves vomit, but this one really takes the cake. Fact: I have not eaten Taco Bell or any other fast food since summer. Honestly, I stopped craving it when I stopped eating it.

Drum roll, please.

And #1...Did you guess it?

"In Adulthood You Don't Always Get What You Want, You Get What's Do-able."

All I can say about #1 is that I still think about and want those sunglasses every day.

~

Stay tuned for a post tomorrow regarding our fantastic meal tonight and my 2008 New Year's Resolutions.

I am Loved After All...Nonetheless in Hello Kitty Style

Like any other day, I woke up around 8, did yoga, & ate my yogurt with flax/bran cereal and maple syrup.

Then I cleaned my closet and purged some old clothes to make room for new ones from Boden. Thank you, Johnnie Boden for your 50% off sale. I adore you.

But the day felt hectic and rushed when I realized that while in my clothing keep-or-go-? mode, it was already noon, and student portfolios were available at 1. (If you want to see what the portfolio process is all about watch this video. Guess who the narrator is...?)

From 1:30-5 p.m. I sat in my East Hall office, eagerly awaiting students to collect their passing portfolios and end the semester of Fall 2007. (Meaning, I played on Facebook the entire time. Did you know you can now use present tense verbs instead of passive ones? That kinda of made my day.) Anyways, many students came, collected, and conquered 111. But one did more.

One gave me PRESENTS. (Yes, with an S!) A Hello Kitty fleece throw and Hello Kitty slippers. (Ones so special I can't find them online!)

SCORE!

I'm sure you've all guessed I get greedy around Christmas; I can't help it. I start buying presents for loved ones, only to find loads of "things" I want. It's bad. I know.

And when I talk to my sister-in-laws about gifts they bought for their kids' teachers or day care helpers (do they have an official title I don't know about?), I always complain that my students never buy me gifts, especially this time of year. Seriously, the ONLY reason I would ever teach at the elementary level is for the gifts, which I probably wouldn't get after the parents realized their kids learned a little too much adult language from me...

But I had a student care enough to give the best--Hello Kitty. And right around Christmas! My greed lessened quite a bit today.

And to boot, when I got home I got another PRESENT from SEM, which put me even more into Hello Kitty heaven. Dude, a mix CD covered in HK stickers! Does life get better?

Why, yes, it does! Because the book that I ordered months ago on Amazon that I've been not-so-patiently waiting for arrived: Rachel Zucker's The Bad Wife Handbook: Poems! I ADORED her last book, and I'm so stoked for this one I can handle sit still long enough to write this post. Seriously, I'm wiggling all around trying to type fast enough so I can curl up with my HK throw, my glass of Cab, & The Bad Wife Handbook while I listen to my new sweet mix from SEM.

F! This day would have only been better if two things had happened: we got our black lab puppy (more on him soon) and I got my new threads from Boden.

But it's good to have somethings to look forward to, right? It means more good days to come!

Theory

Feeling much better today, but I'm still tired. (Them's are the breaks.) But the house is officially disinfected. Yay!

OK. I do daily yoga; I do daily cardio & weight workouts; I take many vitamins, including C supplements; I sleep 7-9 hours a night; and I'm a compulsive hand washer.

So why am I sick so often?

I'm a nail biter. Most times without thinking about it. Most times when I'm thinking about something else, like during class when I'm thinking about my students' questions and concerns. Most times in class before I've washed my hands. Gross.

Some of you may not know this, but college, especially college dorms, is way more germy than, say, grade school.

Double-gross.

My pre-New Year's Eve resolution is to stop biting my nails.

I just don't know how.

Any ideas?

I'm thinking a manicure that includes acrylic nails. I just hate how long those things are.

And I hate the price...

A Week of Thankfulness (in Fast Forward)

Because of our holiday travel and time with our families, I didn't get a chance to post my other thanks in honor of Thanksgiving Week. So here are all the rest of this week's days in one big post--what I'm calling a fast forward.

A Week of Thankfulness (Day 3):

I was thankful for a day off. At least in terms of my "school" work. It's been go-Go-GO(!) as the semester is coming to a close in two weeks, so a day of rest from that hectic schedule was much appreciated!

A Week of Thankfulness (Day 4--Thanksgiving Day):

I'm thankful for my families.

We spent the actual day with my family because it also was Hons' 60th birthday. (Happy Birthday, Hons!) We had a great time cooking as a family and hanging out, just talking and catching up around the dining room table. My sister Angie's birthday also is in November, and while at the Hallmark store getting cards, FD and I found Care Bear Jibbitz for Crocs! We gave those to Ang Thanksgiving Morning, and she freaked out! She kept pressing her hand over her heart and sighing like she was going to pass out. It was really cute! The whole day was a real treat to spend it with Mom, Ang, Pops, Hons, Ross, Holly, Grandma Rita, and FD.

We headed to FD's brother's for dessert to round out our day. I always have so much fun with my in-laws too. I'm really lucky to such a close relationship with them because I know most people aren't fortunate enough to get along with their in-laws, let alone love them! Over at A and T's we played Memory and Buzzword as well as Euchre, while we snacked on some turkey, crack potatoes, and pie! (One of these days I'll post the Crack Potatoes recipe! They are soooo good! And great for make ahead! The first time I had my mother-in-law's holiday potatoes I renamed them "Crack Potatoes" because I was instantly addicted to them!)

It was a Thanksgiving to be thankful for!

A Week of Thankfulness (Day 5):

I was thankful for Motrin and Coca-Cola.

After eating so much my sensitive body wasn't all that used to, especially the sweets and stuffing, I had a pretty bad headache and tummy ache Friday.

Despite my pain, I did help my mom-in-law, sisters-in-law, and nieces make Crisco Cakes.

And I did manage to play some Euchre and Memory before hitting the hay really, really early.

A Week of Thankfulness (Day 6):

I was thankful for online shopping, being an aunt, and sleeping in my own bed.

EJ, T, S, and I went shopping at Aurora Farms. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE shopping. However, being that we live kinda far away from malls, a Target, or outlet stores, most of my shopping is done online, through Hons who buys me clothes at the FL consignment stores, or at the Grey Colt when I'm out on the Eastside.

Needless to say, I forgot how crowded in-store shopping can be. Every store we went in there were seriously at least 60 people, and most of the stores weren't big enough to hold 60 people.

Of all the stores we visited, The Children's Place really freaked me out. The clothes it was selling to toddlers and young girls were slutty and cheesy. Henely tees with lace tanks under them. Gross layered shirts with lame graphics of a bratty girl or a rainbow splashed with The Children's Place. I quickly faded. Whatever happened to kids clothes with cute prints of birds, cherries, cupcakes, whales?

I've been thinking a lot about my back-and-forth between wanting kids and not wanting kids, so when I was confronted by The Children's Place, I was happy to be kid-free.

But then we went to Carter's and I wanted a kid really badly. The clothes at Carter's were delightful with their little embroidered owl on a fleece nightgown, their cherry-printed hoodies, their clearance summer dresses with a skort bottom and little embroidered whale logo. EJ started playing at the kid size Lego table, so I took a load off, sitting next to her in one of the kid sized chairs with my knees up to my chin. We hung out while S and T Christmas shopped. EJ and I always have a great time together. She tooted and blamed it on random customers who weren't even close to us. At one point, after we had played enough Legos, she said, "What the...? What the heck is going on here? I'm boring and ready to go." I laughed so hard my eyes were shut, and when I opened them, I saw 30 people staring at me blankly. Then EJ started laughing.

Kicking it with her makes me want to have a kid really badly. But she's not like other kids. She's not really a cry-er or bratty or whine-y, and with my luck, I'd have one of those kids who I would have to pretend to like when really I couldn't stand him/her. Oi! Also, she's my niece; I'm not really around her when she experiences crazy meltdowns. When I'm around, it's usually about us having fun. Being an aunt is pretty good times.

But I know FD and I have great genes, and I bet we'd have some really great kids and I know once I had my own kids I would love them with all my heart and be biased about them because I loved them so much. But I just am not ready to give up my shopping in my stores for shopping in obnoxious kids' stores. I know that sounds evil, but it's the truth. Why hide it?

Right now, I'm thankful to be a cool aunt. One of these days, maybe I'll be thankful to be a cool mom.

After so much shopping and time away from home, I was thankful to snuggle up to FD in our bed in our little house after such a busy holiday.

A Week of Thankfulness (Day 7):

Today at home, doing laundry, packing up Fall decorations and setting up Christmas decorations, I'm thankful for time. Simply time: to catch-up on lesson plans, begin decorating, go for a walk with FD on this crisp day. Write this blog post.

I'm thankful I'm starting to learn how to use my time wisely. The older I get, the more I realize life's too short not to be thankful for time.

Also, I'm thankful for realizing that sometimes my post endings sound cheesy like a sitcom/drama, like The Wonder Years or Doogie Howser, M.D. I need to work on that.

(The picture for this post was taken the day after Thanksgiving when Cleveland had their first snow.)

Sunday Reflection

Last night, FD and I went to the opera.

For real.

We saw La Virtu de Strali d'Amore (The Power of Love's Arrows), which was put on by BGSU's Bowling Green Opera theater and the Eastman School of Music Collegium Musicum.

It was nothing like what I thought the opera would be like.

First of all, I expected to see women in evening gowns. So I chose to wear a grey dress I'm quite fond of--which looks dressy cas. I fit in perfectly. There were women wearing jeans.

Needless to say, I shouldn't have busted FD's chops for wearing jeans and sport coat. He totally fit right in too.

Then we were worried about being able to understand what the hell was going on. Thankfully, they provide programs with the plot in summary as well as the translation of dialog for each scene. And, even better, our theater had a screen above the stage that showed the translation, much like subtitles in a foreign movie. We knew what the hell was going on after all.

There were gorgeous costumes, a simple yet lovely set, some pretty good humor, fab acting, and three brief intermissions for stretching. (Don't get ahead of yourself, FD and I are certainly not going to become all-out opera goers...but we are going to start going to more university functions. Once I figure out how to find out about them. I heard about the opera through Facebook--see Facebook does have some realistic benefits!)

The main reason we went was because my yoga teacher, Megan, was one of the leads. I know how talented she is. One time, during mediation, she sang to us, and I vowed to go listen to her the next chance I got. And so I saw her perform opera first-hand. Awesome. I don't feel biased in saying this, but I know it will sound biased: she was my fav. She made her character (the god Amore) come to life--with her voice and her body language. Yes, all the cast did a great job, but she really stole the show.

FD and I really enjoyed ourselves. It was neat to do something new on a date night--something we've never done before that showed us a new side of art/culture.

The opera. Who knew?

~

This afternoon, after a much-needed trip to the Anderson's House of Meats, I made one of my favorite cook-aheads--Tamale Pie. I got the recipe from the Low Fat Moosewood Cookbook.

While making it, I chilled out with Ira Glass' This American Life. (Which reminds me, I need to check out Radio Lab...)

This episode was one that will remain dear to my heart. It was on Special Ed. For the first time ever, the voices of those with Special Needs were represented. I was really moved. In that way, that I have so much to say, but I don't know how to say it yet. It really got me thinking about my sister project and ideas for essays.

When I am a better able to articulate myself, I will.

~

Having a weekend at home has been nice. FD and I in our little place. It feels good after so much traveling and so little alone time.

For the Love of Zappos!!!

Katherine just sent a link to this Consumer Review of Zappos.

And I thought they showed love to me.

I think it might be the ONLY place I buy shoes from when I buy shoes.

Which won't be for awhile b/c I'm so content with my Zappo purchased discounted Campers*.

(*Upon looking for the link to my comfy Camper shoes, I found they are no longer offered...God does take care of me...)

~

On another note, I write my blog posts usually on Mimi the Mac.

My blog looks so much prettier on her.

On my campus PC, it's not so pretty. What to do about that...

With a Promise of More to Come

I was going to write a long rant about an outer-body experience I had while presenting/discussing Values and Writing Assignments to the BGeX faculty today, but, now, I don't feel like it. So I back-spaced until it was all gone and started over.

It's been one of those weeks. Ups and downs. And I really want/wanted to be contrary, but thought better of it for the sake of my morals, sanity, OCD, relationships, and obligations. How do you like that for talking in code?

Really can one be totally, completely honest about thoughts and feelings in a blog? Seriously, it's public space, not the personal journal with the hefty lock pad that I keep in a very, very secret place.

Like Abs, I'm essay-free this weekend. I have so much planned: Housekeeping (of course! (and, for the record, I love what a catch-all term that is)), a much-needed hair cut and color, a grocery trip to the Anderson's, letter writing, essay writing, a nap or two, reading, and, maybe, a much more satisfying (for you and me) blog post.

It's A Small World After All (The Question Is: Will You Be Singing that Song to Yourself The Rest of the Day?)

Here are three blogs totally worth a damn:

The Bee's Knees : Finally, Stokes has rejoined the blogging community. Hilarity may now resume ensuing.

The Real Irony : Through Stokes I found her friend Christy who has a funny bone too. All this laughing is going to a.) keep my weight off, b.) help me deal with my daily life frustrations, and c.) keep me closer to girls I adore.

Lemon Cadet : Talk about RAD homemade goods! I randomly found Lemon Cadet on Etsy and discovered she's a very dear friend of mine from grad school. The world is small.


And I haven't even told the story about finding my childhood best friend on MySpace yet...

Approaching A Day of Rest

When I walk I feel the wave of motion.

Literally, I walk like I'm on a boat. I rock. I stumble a bit.

I'm sure my students in all my sections thought I was drunk during every class this week.

It reminded me of my "bad" graduate school days. That was no fun.

~

I've been thinking about the songs that make up the soundtrack of my life.

There's so many. Too many.

Some I can listen to now after a-many-years break.

Others I still can't stomach. They remind me of so much I'd rather forget.

Still others I listen to religiously. Even if they give away my age. I don't care.

~

This week I've been plugging along, but with a little less heart than usual.

Because some of my heart I sent to someone else.

Because early this week I found out that one of my former students who I'm still really close to tried to commit suicide.

Every time I think about her there's a lump in my throat. My vision puddles. My mind blanks out, and the only words that come to me are "Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee..."

~

I literally almost passed out and fell over while walking the aisle in one of my Mac Computer Lab classes. I pressed my palm flat against one of the aisle desks and perched my hip steady against its sturdy weight.

I don't think my students noticed because they're used to me passionately adding my two cents to a discussion then suddenly taking a moment to come up for air while they laugh off my unusual expressions.

But it was the first time this week I felt like this Vertigo that has been plaguing me since last Sunday was really something I should visit the doctor about.

Too bad I think my doctor is a pill pusher and out for the dollar, not her patients.

I need to try something new.

~

It was Tim Gunn who really made me think about the soundtrack of my life.

Some too-rich-for-having-no-degree life coach on Tim's new show told the helpless, fashion-less victim that she needed to walk with confidence, "And one way to do is to walk like you're listening to the songs that make up your life's soundtrack."

I have a confident walk, but I don't know if I would credit that to my life soundtrack.

Seriously, most of my songs are way too acoustic, cryptic, and emotionally desperate for a confident walk. They remind me of who I used to be when I wanted to be the me I am today. Or they humble and quiet me. They help me process those things I don't really know how to verbalize or write into words. They open me up emotionally and give me an outlet for those emotions.

When I think of confident-walking songs, I think of my man JT and Mariah. Sure, those two have had their important moments in my life, and maybe JT would make the soundtrack, but really neither would represent the Top 10.

I don't know...I guess those complex songs that are in the Top 10 do give me my confident walk, in some way I really don't know how to explain.

~

I went to my doctor last year with these exact same symptoms.

She gave me motion sickness pills that she said I should take three times a day, and she reminded me to take my Claratin D.

Before I went to that visit that's the exact same prescription I gave myself--only over-the-counter Dramamine.

Sign me up for med school!

I've come to find out that my Pops has the same problems as me. That he has a Vertigo Specialist he sees.

With my faux med school degree I can surmise that a.) This Vertigo is hereditary, and b.) I need a Vertigo Specialist.

I'm fucking brilliant, aren't I?

~

The student I've been worrying about has helped me, in her own special way, play an April Fool's Day prank on my Pops.

We share the same favorite book: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

During conferences, she was one of those students I could see my younger self in. It was as if I was talking to myself, observing my own lively passion, reckless abandon, exceptional emotional understanding, hyper-aware self-knowledge and awesome wittiness.

I loved every second of our conferences. And at the same time they frightened me beyond belief.

Imagine if I had a kid. Or a sibling who could be my kid. It was be like that. Like how my Grandma McGuire was always so worried I would turn out "crazy" because I had her "crazy genes."

I worried about her, but in that way that we worry about college kids. She always struck me as one of the survivors. Wise beyond her years.

I suppose she is. Maybe that's why she tried to take her life.

I have no idea why. I can only assume. I just know that she's been on my mind this week. During faculty meetings, while teaching, at the same time I'm frustrated at myself for not being able to do a hand stand during morning yoga.

"I will try to understand everything has its plan."

~

I'm thinking I might have to go to this Vertigo Specialist if I don't stop swaying.

I'm thinking "Either Way" by Wilco definitely makes the Top 10.

I'm thinking about the lessons that made me stronger, that made me love my life, even when I didn't know what to do and felt hopelessly lost.

And I'm not thinking, "If only..."

Bringing Back the Popped Collar

For Crying Out Loud!!! (Literally!!!)

I got my true love shoes that I fought so hard for.

They arrived this morning.

I'm returning them tomorrow.

They DIG into my heel.

They PINCH my toes.

There is no way I can break them in without torturing myself.

Lesson Learned: True love shouldn't hurt.

Good-bye, Lovies.

Hello, comfy new true love shoes!

A Sorta Shoetale

I'm laughing.

This is so crazy.

Short version: On Thursday, I got an email from Zappos saying that FedEx lost my shoes, and they weren't in the warehouse.

After teaching that evening, I called Zappos and cried a little. Damon, the Customer Service rep from my first phone call, gave me another $30 coupon.

Tears = cash. I need to cry more often.

I searched through the Zappos site, ready to burn my $100, but found nothing.

After Big Brother 8, I tried again and found a pair I have wanted since last year.

I called in my order b/c the online order form wouldn't accept all of my coupons.

Friday morning I woke up, did yoga, and then went the rec.

When I got my home my new pair of shoes were waiting there for me. (Can you believe Zappos shipped them that quickly?! They left the warehouse at 11:00 p.m. and were in Ohio in route to our house at 7:30 a.m.! Awesome, huh?!)

I started wearing them around the house to break them in.

I wanted to wear them to see Superbad (which was so funny I pissed myself. Seriously. A little came out from holding b/c I didn't want to miss anything and then laughing so hard at what I would have missed if I had gotten up to go pee. Note to self: Wear Depends to movies. Note to readers: Superbad earned 5 out of 5 penis-shaped Hello Kittys--see the movie for the joke.) but I didn't wear the new shoes because I still need to treat them.

When we got home from the movies, Camper had left me message. (Yes, Thursday I called Camper to order my true love shoes, but the rep told me the shoes weren't available in the US, that she'd have to call SPAIN to order them straight from the manufacturer, and that she'd have to call me back Friday after she talked to the reps in SPAIN. WTF!?!)

Marianne from Camper said she could get my shoes, but it take awhile. Very fine! All is right in the shoe world. I'll have time to break in the first pair before my new pair arrives.

I happily watched Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring on TNT (even though we own the extended versions of the trilogy on DVD) Friday night without my mind obsessively worrying about shoes.

This morning I woke up, did yoga, and then checked my email.

Zappos emailed about my true love shoes. THEY FOUND THEM! FedEx shipped them back to Zappos, and Zappos needed me to call them to reauthorize my credit card and confirm that I wanted the shoes shipped via UPS.

Of course, I called them immediately!

After writing this post, I have to call Camper and cancel my order in Spain.

Lessons learned:

1.) Wait. Be patient. (Why do I have to keep relearning this lesson?!)

2.) Zappos has the best customer service on the face of this planet. I will only buy my shoes from them from now on. (Well, them and The Grey Colt...) Zappos were always kind, and they always followed through when they said they would.

3.) Crying does work. ;)