Friday, August 3, 2007

Several Things...And Then Some

OK, so I've been silent lately.

Because I have nothing nice to say. About myself, that is.

This "bridge incident" in MN has me kinda messed up. Since when do major bridges collapse without a earthquake, without a hurricane?

And then I couldn't stop imagining myself on the bridge. Maybe I would die. Maybe I would survive. If I did survive, I would be f***ed up. I already hate tunnels, am convinced they will collapse sooner or later from the pressure of mountain or, worse yet, water. I think about having bridge problems (which I sometimes do) on top of my tunnel anxiety and then mixed with surviving a bridge collapse on top of all of that, I would be in definite need for therapy. And we haven't even gotten to seeing the pictures my husband showed me that his brother sent him of a polar bear attack and the HOLE (for real) in the guy's leg.

Also, there's still my OCD problem with cleaning and straightening towels and obsessively watching CNN.

So why, when the world is so screwed up, can't I find anything nice to say about myself?

Instead of praying for people and sending them good karma and volunteering my time, what do I do? I hide in bed under the covers and obsess over how I would react to all this trauma. That's really sad and selfish. I'm sorry. It's just why I can't be "political."

And I haven't even mentioned all the jealousy I feel when someone wins a writing contest I don't...

I just wish I could be like Melissa. And I appreciate her gracious review.

I just turned 30. I suppose I have even more time to grow and mature. God willing.

Then again, I dragged FD to the pool today. I sat in the shallow part of the pool for hours and felt happy. I didn't go down the slide b/c I was kinda scared of getting vertigo again, but I did forgot about the bridge, the hole the in the foot, my jealousy, my selfishness. All was right in my world.

Then I got home.

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