Not My Favorite Emotion But One I Definitely Feel Often

As you can see I changed my page.

I was going for something a little more clean, mature, and visually appealing in that Mac way.

Really I was getting sick of pink and becoming green with envy.

Yes, I felt jealous this week.

Frankly, I usually feel a little jealous all the time; it gives me my competitive edge. Sad, isn't it? But, at least, I'm honest with myself and others about this very gross and usually-kept-secret emotion.

It got really bad Wednesday night.

I was reading my bookmarked blogs, and I started reading one in particular that made me totally lose my cool. Background: a few months ago one of the popular girls from high school friended me on Facebook. We weren't close at all in high school and still aren't, so I was honestly a little surprised she chose to friend me. I mean we were friendly at our class reunion, but I didn't hug her and want to steal her away to the bathroom so we could get some quick good-talk-alone-time. I accepted her Facebook offer, though, and perused her profile. I discovered and clicked on her website/blog, and was genuinely excited to read her smart, humorous, Bridget-Jones-esque musings. Since then I have become a regular reader. And am very proud to be one. Believe me, this story makes her look good and me look bad.

On this particular post she contemplates the blog and pays homage to the BlogHers and the awesome women writers she respects and admires. Cool, right? What's the problem? In my delusional world (where I had convinced myself that my Pops over the past year secretively had restored my '79 VW SuperBeetle Max for my 30th Birthday and that he was going to drive it to our house on my birthday and give it to me, and, lo and behold, when he showed up Max-less I cried a little and all my family was like, "What the???") I actually thought my blog would make her list. Immediately, I felt like that dorky-punky-pimple-faced kid in high school who looked up to the popular kids and wanted to be one so badly while at the same time equally hating them for being so popular. Seriously, WTF?!

Here was this cool girl giving a shout out to cool girls, and here was me all Mean Girls, all Jawbreaker, all other-teen-girl movie-ish.

And once I felt the left-out-ness and jealousy, it just snowballed. I obsessed over all the other better BlogHers, all the other better girl poets with their published books, all the better lyric essayists. All the funnier kids. The smarter kids. The great instructors who never have a class discussion go poorly. The PhD getters with their soon-to-be tenure track jobs. Whata shocker, no one even showed up for my pity party! That's how bad I suck!

I barely slept Wednesday night. Sadly, FD couldn't even snuggle me back to self-confident.

Thursday morning I did an hour of meditative yoga. It helped a little.

Then I sped-walked (speed-walked?) 8 miles at the rec, praying the rosary with a priest and parishioners the whole time via Ellie the iPod.

In other words, I knew I had I get rid of my jealousy or I was going to be a goner and screw up a perfectly good long weekend.

The sad thing is I think I have to work through this emotion at least once a month. And guess, usually, around what time?

It's not easy admitting it. I'm Amanda, and I'm a Jealousy Addict.

Really I just want to be one of those cool hippy girls who always loves everyone no matter what.

But as I was praying and sweating and forcing myself to go faster and beat my own record for each lap, I realized something: That in admitting my jealousy and understanding it and learning from it, I actually can see myself letting go of the emotion which helps me rid of it faster each time and then I truly can appreciate what it was I was jealous of.

I feel like Sufjan Stevens has a song that would say what I'm trying to say way better than I can say it. (And I'm very fine with that!)

I feel like my jealousy addiction stems from my label-whore-ness, my inner consumer. I have trying to be less of a consumer lately...

I hate it (jealousy & consuming), but I learn so much from it.

And then I wonder why is it that I observe that girls are more jealous than guys. Where's the love?

I'm doing what I can. As Sufjan sings, "I'm working it out inside..."

In the end, I'm glad I learned about the other BlogHers. They really inspired me to do something more with my blog.

I just wish Jealousy wouldn't have led me to that conclusion.

Thank God (Mary and Jesus) I am back to my old self. With a little newer self insight.

Bringing Back the Popped Collar

For Crying Out Loud!!! (Literally!!!)

I got my true love shoes that I fought so hard for.

They arrived this morning.

I'm returning them tomorrow.

They DIG into my heel.

They PINCH my toes.

There is no way I can break them in without torturing myself.

Lesson Learned: True love shouldn't hurt.

Good-bye, Lovies.

Hello, comfy new true love shoes!

People Do Care about Books...

I've been reading OpenCulture since Terence introduced me to it at the beginning of the summer.

So when the folks of OpenCulture asked readers for their favorite books, I couldn't resist adding to the list!

And, guess what (?!), my comments made it on their post with the compiled list!!!

Maybe I am special after all. ;)

Look Carefully

Sometimes I feel this little.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing...

A Sorta Shoetale

I'm laughing.

This is so crazy.

Short version: On Thursday, I got an email from Zappos saying that FedEx lost my shoes, and they weren't in the warehouse.

After teaching that evening, I called Zappos and cried a little. Damon, the Customer Service rep from my first phone call, gave me another $30 coupon.

Tears = cash. I need to cry more often.

I searched through the Zappos site, ready to burn my $100, but found nothing.

After Big Brother 8, I tried again and found a pair I have wanted since last year.

I called in my order b/c the online order form wouldn't accept all of my coupons.

Friday morning I woke up, did yoga, and then went the rec.

When I got my home my new pair of shoes were waiting there for me. (Can you believe Zappos shipped them that quickly?! They left the warehouse at 11:00 p.m. and were in Ohio in route to our house at 7:30 a.m.! Awesome, huh?!)

I started wearing them around the house to break them in.

I wanted to wear them to see Superbad (which was so funny I pissed myself. Seriously. A little came out from holding b/c I didn't want to miss anything and then laughing so hard at what I would have missed if I had gotten up to go pee. Note to self: Wear Depends to movies. Note to readers: Superbad earned 5 out of 5 penis-shaped Hello Kittys--see the movie for the joke.) but I didn't wear the new shoes because I still need to treat them.

When we got home from the movies, Camper had left me message. (Yes, Thursday I called Camper to order my true love shoes, but the rep told me the shoes weren't available in the US, that she'd have to call SPAIN to order them straight from the manufacturer, and that she'd have to call me back Friday after she talked to the reps in SPAIN. WTF!?!)

Marianne from Camper said she could get my shoes, but it take awhile. Very fine! All is right in the shoe world. I'll have time to break in the first pair before my new pair arrives.

I happily watched Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring on TNT (even though we own the extended versions of the trilogy on DVD) Friday night without my mind obsessively worrying about shoes.

This morning I woke up, did yoga, and then checked my email.

Zappos emailed about my true love shoes. THEY FOUND THEM! FedEx shipped them back to Zappos, and Zappos needed me to call them to reauthorize my credit card and confirm that I wanted the shoes shipped via UPS.

Of course, I called them immediately!

After writing this post, I have to call Camper and cancel my order in Spain.

Lessons learned:

1.) Wait. Be patient. (Why do I have to keep relearning this lesson?!)

2.) Zappos has the best customer service on the face of this planet. I will only buy my shoes from them from now on. (Well, them and The Grey Colt...) Zappos were always kind, and they always followed through when they said they would.

3.) Crying does work. ;)

I'd like a side of self-absorbed with that...

Hundreds of people in Findlay, 30 miles south of us, are homeless because of the flooding.

It's the worst flood Findlay has seen in 100 years.

So bad, in fact, Findlay, OH made it on "Your World Today," CNN's International News program.

And I have several students from Findlay...

But here I am obsessing over some flippin' shoes.

I'm a schmuck.

So Pissed I Could Spit (And I Just Might)!

Get this silly shit:

I've been walking to and fro campus everyday in an attempt to avoid the mess of traffic and fist-clenched fight for an open parking space. Also, I'm trying to be healthy and environmentally conscious. I'm a good girl.

Apparently, a good girl with not so good "teacher" shoes.

I have the WORST blisters on the face of this planet. They're on my heels. They're on my ankles. They're on the top of my feet. WTF?!

My summer "teacher" shoes suck!

The obvious answer: buy a pair of summer "teacher" shoes that don't suck and match almost all of my outfits year round (which means I could spend a little more on them...).

Of course, I think Camper. I looked on Shoebuy.com, but they don't carry Camper shoes.

Then I went Zappos.com because they carry Camper and usually for a little less than other places.

I found the dream pair.
I ordered the dream pair. Zappos said I got free overnight delivery. My precious Camper shoes were slotted to arrive Wednesday by 3 p.m. Perfect: right before my trek to campus.

They didn't arrive Wednesday, so I called Zappos last night to see where they are.

Damon, the Zappos customer service rep, told me he doesn't know where they are. They should be with me.

"Well, they're not, Damon."

He gave me a $20 off coupon, and said to call back if they don't arrive by 3 p.m. Thursday (today).

During my chat with Damon, I was polite and laid-back. I figured I'd get them today. FedEx likes to come first thing in the morning in our neck of the woods.

I got up early. I skipped the gym. I took my shower when I knew FD was going to be reading on the couch by the front door.

They didn't come this morning. I had a bad feeling.

I called Zappos and spoke with a very kind and compassionate Camille. I seriously couldn't get bitchy with this woman. (And those who know me know I can get very bitchy about fashion...)

I did calmly tell her I was so pissed I could spit.

FedEx never picked up my shoes from the warehouse. And Zappos is now out of the black in my size; they only have the white. And Camille said she could send the "Resource" people to find my pair, which was the LAST pair in black in my size. Or, she proposed, she could send me a black pair in size 9 with some free insoles to force them to fit. I rationally explained to Camille that the whole point was finding and wearing comfortable shoes, and that wouldn't be comfortable. So she put the "Resource" people to work trying to find my pair of shoes.

Camille promised me her "Resource" people will call AND email me once they locate my shoes. But it will take some time--at most a couple of months. WTF?!

She refunded my money.

She called me "sweet" and "baby" as I wept.

She gave me a $50 Zappos coupon.

I now have $70 worth of Zappos coupons, but all I really want are my Camper shoes.

As I blog away, right now, my Camper babies are in some crazy 4-football-fields-length warehouse with 3.2 million other products. (All stats provided by Camille.)

They're crying for their mommy. I'm crying for them.

Even though Camille was one of the best customer service reps I've ever had, I wouldn't spend another dime at Zappos if I didn't have these coupons and if they didn't sell Camper shoes.

I'm torn between "half full" and "half empty."

No, I'm not torn. This is an instance of "half empty."

Yes, definitely "half empty."

*Searching desperately online for them for 50 minutes while thinking, "My students better be good today." And, "What if I lose track of time and forget I have to teach altogether?" And, "I really should be working on my next online class..."*

I might break down and buy them from the actual Camper site. I can't even find a pair that looks anything like this, and this is exactly what I'm looking for. Oi!

*More tears.*

A Sign of Old Age?

I'm online for my "virtual" office hours: (Wednesdays 9-10 p.m.--There's never any good tv at this time anyway!)

So here I am in my "Life Is Good" PJs at my desk in my home office. I'm checking my Fafa points, and the next thing I know I wake up to Johnny Cash's "Jackson" playing at blast-the-roof-off-this-mutha volume, the keyboard imprinting the right side of my face, and drool puddling on my keyboard's mouse.

Poor Mimi the Mac...

And poor me!

Who knew 30 would be so exhausting?!

Or better yet, I had no idea going from "summer work" to "work work" would be so exhausting!

I got a get a towel and clean up this mess.

Then I need to wash my face with cold water and wake up!

Geez, Top Chef is on in 15 minutes...

(& p.s. What's your guess? How many students IM'ed me this first week of class? Prizes are nonnegotiable.)