Thursday, April 24, 2008

Emotional Rollercoaster

I've been experiencing this weird inner-debate regarding blogs.

I think sometimes I'm too honest, too raw, too revealing and I think, "Maybe it's time to just write about tv shows or current events or about poetics."

Then I think, "God, that sounds boring and useless..."

With having a public blog, one MUST realize that assholes read one's life events and make fun of them. But I know these assholes do this probably b/c they don't have the guts or creativity to honestly write about their true human experience.

I'm just telling it like it is...

And yesterday held yet another embarrassing experience I feel compelled to blog about. Because I honestly don't care about said assholes and why should I write about boring useless crap anyone can find anywhere else on the web?!

Yesterday I bawled in front of our dog trainer after class.

It was the first time I felt like one of my students, totally. I felt like one of the students who's fabulous but f'ed one little thing on the Works Cited page or didn't develop one small idea more fully and came to office hours to figure out how to do better but ended up crying for no explainable reason and then who got mad at herself for crying and acting "stupid."

Yep, that was me yesterday.

Yesterday, I first almost lost it at the vet. BooBoo is yet again on meds for his crazy-sensitive tummy. He can't have any motivator food besides his dog food, Nutro and Paul Newman's treats, carrots, and green beans. Knowing we had puppy class that night I sunk; with steak and cheese and BooBoo will do anything with no fear and focus on me totally. It was the first day of obstacle course puppy class. F*#$!

I pulled it together to collect the best-112-class-ever's portfolios and give them tons of hugs.

But on the way home, I teared up, thinking about how badly I'm going to miss that class. I heart them dearly.

But I pulled it together again to chop up carrots and beans for BooBoo, get him in the car, drive him to Holland, and get his excited big butt into the puppy class building. I felt calm and assertive UNTIL he started pulling me everywhere. He needed to say "Hi!" to his fellow classmates and their owners. He needed to say "Hi!" to our trainer's new assistant. He needed to say "Hi!" to the toys. That crazy BooBoo.

But then when it was time to start working, he wouldn't do it. Well, he would when he wanted to. The whole time it was me trying to get him to focus on me, him trying to interrupt the other pups' training to play, me trying to again to get him to focus on me, him focusing for a second then leaping towards the toys. And it was back and forth like that for an hour. He did play REALLY well with the other dogs this time, but I just couldn't take him not responding to me. At home, he's by my side all the time; he's my little buddy. But at school, he's too cool for me.

All this reminded me of the HELL I put my parents through in high school. Oy! [eye roll]

After class, I was overcome by memories of being a teen, BooBoo's crazy behavior, BooBoo being sick again, and whatever else, and I just lost it.

The best is, though, this is what I said to our trainer when I started to sob: "I'm so frustrated! He's not like this at home. At all. Or when we go visit places. I don't get it. Being a teen is so hard nowadays. How do they do it? This week has been so hard. Today is so hard. end of the semester is here and I've been grading like mad. Do you understand source synthesis and MLA? Sometimes I feel like I don't either! I miss my students already. And what if Brooke leaves Idol tonight? Oh, and my allergies."


If I was our trainer, as a person, I would definitely think I was having a nervous breakdown.

But then again, as a teacher, I saw myself as one stressed-out kid who needs a break. A LONG summer break.

When we got home FD was worried b/c I was 45 minutes late, BooBoo acted as a freakshow host butt-tucking all around the house, and I was a crying mess. Still.

And I cried well through Brooke being safe on Idol. Clear up until I cried myself to sleep.

Really what jackass wants to admit this nutso-ness on the internet? No one in their right mind!

Or maybe, just maybe, someone who isn't afraid to share the true human experience.

In my case, maybe a little of both...


An after-thought posted on April 25:

I dearly love the blogs I do read and link to on my posts and props column. Said assholes are random peeps I'm paranoid about...I've pissed off many people in my 30 years...


LemonCadet said...

Dude, go take a pregnancy test.


You're not doing anything different than I do every 4 or 5 days...

(Well except that I don't watch AI).

Katherine said...

All I can say is that I completely commiserate with you, and hope you feel better soon!